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Originally written Oct. 3, 2019

The feeling is too familiar. My feet are planted firmly in midair and I cannot gain traction, or at least it appears to be the case. Fill in the blanks with a plethora of generic statements:

  • I’m at a crossroads
  • Praying about the next thing
  • Seeking direction
  • Yada yada…

The reality is this is just another season where competing beliefs bump up against each other to create discomfort. The messages have long been at war, or in milder times in a highly agitated relationship with one another. This season’s circumstances are just another version of the same fight.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3)

Birth and adoption. Officially, I’ve been born twice. I’ve been adopted twice. Physically & spiritually in both cases. My parents adopted me at 5 days old. You would think that an early adoption would make things easy. They are the only parents I’ve known. I should have no questions, but they hover in the background as I try to reconcile my early “rejection” by my birth mom (and I guess my birth father also). The beautiful message of being taken in by a couple who deeply wanted children constantly collides with a (r)ejection* button.

This (r)ejection button is more subtle than it used to be. It doesn’t scream as loud and takes on different forms than it used to in my younger years. In my younger days, it might be sound like “everyone hates me” inside my head.

Today, in the aftermath of being laid off from two jobs in less than six months (on April 1 and on a Friday the 13th no less) it might just be a general sense of wondering if I am resigned to be discarded. It doesn’t matter how many skills I acquire, or how sincere I am in wanting to do good work. Maybe I am expendable.

The tension between messages of being accepted into Christ’s Kingdom and my earthly experiences of feeling discarded is ongoing. Even if it doesn’t scream, it makes its presence known. It recedes and rises again. One voice wonders “am I even supposed to be here?” while another calmly replies “I knit you in your mother’s womb.”

“God my life is 2/3 over. Is it a waste? Is it completely stupid to have hope?”

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

I know I am not alone and life has often seemed to bring circumstances that can isolate me and keep me from experiencing Kingdom community in the present. Left to battle alone is a death knell. I need a “WE” (not just me) found in Someone greater.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Eph 3:14-21

So, today, as I ultimately seek to “find my place” firmly in His Kingdom instead of anything this world offers, I am praying for these same words that Paul did so long ago. It is about more than me and my insecurities. It is about Him having His rightful place in me (and “WE”).

*(r)ejection – rejection that makes me long for ejection from painful circumstances.

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